What if I told you that I used to be one of the most emotionally unavailable men out there?
What if I told you I was shut down?
What if I told you I did everything I could to avoid a fight and absolve myself of responsibility?
What if, when we struggled in a relationship, I’d blame you, and find faults with you, so as to not date you anymore, all so I could keep avoiding whatever the hell was going on on my side?
Would you still want to date me?
Some of you would, for sure.
And, some women out there are dating this guy, still.
And, some remain miserably married to guys like this, for years on end…
Because, unconsciously, some women are attracted to this type of guy (that’s another story).
And because some women are invested in their pattern of “helping” a struggling man.
Fortunately for me, and my wife, I’m no longer this guy.
And, every woman I dated prior to my wife tried pretty damn hard to help me, to crack the code of my heart, to open me, to get inside my head.
Yes, I was this guy for a long, long time (real pic of me in the video below). That was…. until I cracked.
But my “crack” wasn’t because of my girlfriend’s trying to help me.
My relationship failures had reached an all time high. It felt horrible.
I was done. I had to get this part of my life handled.
So, I did.
And, I learned psychology, started to meditate, met my wife, and became a relationship coach and expert, to help others have breakthroughs like I had.
And, here’s the thing, women who are trying to help “checked out” guys like me are everywhere. And, they’re going about it all wrong.
So, I’m going to ask those women (nudge, nudge, if that’s you!), to stop doing three things right now.
E: Expecting him to be who you want him to be. When you expect your man to live up to your unrealistic expectations, he will disappoint you every single time.
Learn when is it okay to have expectations of him and when it’s not.
I get it. You want him to reach his potential, that’s why you love him. But this is hurting your relationship.
H: Hoping he will change and hoping your relationship will get better. I see this one all the time. Hoping everything will get better. Hoping your man will wake up one day with a grand epiphany that he loves you and wants to learn and grow alongside with you to make your marriage better! Not so much.
Using hope to improve your relationship is like hoping you make more money in your life or hoping you get happier—just with hope! That will get you where you are—frustrated, fed up, and feeling like a victim.
H: Helping him when he’s not asking for it. Ever try to stop an alcoholic friend from drinking every day? It doesn’t work and if it does temporarily, they are quitting for you, not themselves. The only way for a person to get sober is on their own. You can’t do it for them.
Your man doesn’t want help. If he did, he’d ask for it. Treat him like a grown up and trust that if, and when, he needs help, he will ask.
It’s a small act of aggression on your part trying to help him when he never asked.
Okay, so coming from a man to a woman, please don’t do this anymore.
Instead, look for future posts on what you can do.