Dear Mekh, I ve always loved you and I still love you. I don’t know what we’re the reason to behave that way. I hope you miss me now the way I miss you.
I believe that everyone goes through an experience in their life where they meet a person that leaves an imprint. For whatever reason this person is unforgettable, irreplaceable, and relentlessly ingrained in your mind. No matter what you do or how much time has passed or how many people you have dated since, they are still there. No matter if you are on good terms or bad terms, there is hardly a day you can remember that they have not crossed your mind. Even though you don’t quite need them anymore, you can’t get them out of your head.
For some reason, you cannot let this person go.
Letting them go would mean that you would allow yourself to forget about the impact they made on your life. Letting them go would mean that part of your life that you held onto so dearly would no longer exist. And just because they may not hold any importance to you any more, you still keep tabs on them – a conversation here and there, liking each other’s photos once in a while. You are “friends.” But oh, you are so much more. You are more than that because of the history that has built your relationship to this point.
Even when you are happy and have moved on from them, for whatever reason you don’t hesitate to check their Facebook page; you wonder if they are happy or you hope that they see that picture you posted. You can’t help but listen to that song that reminds you of them every once in a while. While you can’t help but think about how happy you are without them, they still linger. You have moved on, but part of them still sticks with you and you cannot explain why you care so much.
Sometimes you want to scream “Get out of my head!” or “Leave me alone!” And it works. You temporarily forget and they temporarily stop bothering you. This helps for a while, until you think to yourself that you just want to be back in their head. Or perhaps you are already in their head? What if they are thinking of you? What if we are both sitting here waiting for someone to say something? Waiting. Waiting on what, though? Nothing? Fate?
And even if you to talk, it is just a tease because you know that you are just are just in a standstill. You are stuck in some kind of warped and twisted friendship that can only be defined by the word “complicated”. Every message, every “like”, every random chance that they communicate with you is just a reminder that you somehow crossed their mind. Whether it is a random emoji at 2:00 a.m. or a full-out conversation to catch up on each other’s lives, you can’t help but wonder what they want with you. Why are they bothering you? Why are they keeping you around for silly conversation? What is the point if you have both moved on and are happy – why is it that you keep creeping into each other’s lives?
Even after all that has happened, you still ask yourself what is next. You wonder to yourself if you will ever work it out. You don’t even want to be with them anymore, but you can’t just leave them behind.
Somewhere deep, deep inside you know it’s not over. There is no closure in the world that would allow you to let this just wash away from you that easily. You become with content with simply having them in your life as an acquaintance than to live life without them at all. You would rather always wonder and wait and wish, than to banish them from your head at all. But why even bother? Why allow someone to take up any space in your head for which they don’t deserve?
The reason why you can’t possibly get them out of your head can span for a variety of different reasons. But I believe that the one simple reason why you can’t possibly can’t let them go is because they made an impact. This person made such a lasting impression on you and letting them go would mean letting go of the growth and the memories and everything that they had given to you as either a learning experience or a gift or some kind of enlightenment. They made an impact so deep that it has changed your life. Whether it was for the better or worse, they managed to change some part of you that cannot go unchanged.
This person gave you a reason to believe in love and fate and sometimes you just have to hope that you will find someone else that will enlighten that feeling once again. The thing is, you will find someone that gives you love and gives you hope in fate and meaningful connection, but it will be different because everyone has a unique touch, a different impact, a special force that changes you. The person who will be your fate will make the biggest impact of all.
And while this old flame lingers around your head in your most vulnerable times – that is all they are. They are just lingering in space and time until someone who is worth your space and your time will change your life far beyond what you could imagine.
Have a good day shona.
I love you Mekh