Insanely in love with Mekh

My shonu, We were together almost 4 years. 1460.7 days. 35040.7 hours. You’ve seen me through all of BV and Edl. You’ve seen me at the worst and best moments of my life. You were my best friend, more than a soul mate. You knew me better than I ever knew myself because it’s been so long. We were together for so long. You were there when I got my heart broken by Edl. You were there when I needed someone to lean on to. You held me in your arms for 4 hours while I cried and ranted on how much of an ass I was for not being able to bring my dad back.

You made me believe in love again. You helped me see the side of the world that I never saw. You made me a stronger and better person. In all the time spent with you, I saw new things. I believed in things I never trusted exist. I fell in love with the things that bore the crap out of me. I fell in love with you. You loved me despite all my flaws. You didn’t mind waiting for me to be ready to start trusting in love and people again. You helped me start having faith and hope that love will triumph in the end.

Every atom of my body aches. Cold shivers run through my veins and I tremble at the thought of you and her being together for the rest of time. Even until now, the slight mention of your name traps me at a corner all I want to do is to dig a wormhole so I could disappear and escape this reality. It hurts. Every single second of every day, it hurts. I know it’s been a little over 3 years since we’ve ended things, but I still ache. It still feels like yesterday.

Would things be different if only I had chosen to fight a little harder? If I had been more compromising and less emotional, would we have come out stronger?

I always thought we’d spend the rest of our lives together. I still do. But you’ve moved on now and you’re with him. He seems great, so great I have this small boy crush on him. But I hate that he is. It reminds me of everything we could have been. I wonder how much he knows about you. Does he know your favorite food? Does he adore the way you love to shop more than your own life sometimes? Does he know how you got the scars on your back and above your right elbow? Does the fact that you tend to sleep in and end up missing breakfast annoy him?

A million and one questions float around in my mind. I don’t know what to feel or think. I’m not even sure if I’ll find someone else that can love me the way you did and if I’ll ever feel this much more someone else. I really miss you. I miss the way you hold me. The way you speak. The way you smile. The way you gaze, the way you kiss me.

I miss having you around me. I miss your every move. I miss going to your favorite place eating your favorite food. Listening to your favorite song, and singing your favorite song. Watching sunset in lonavla over face-time. Ha, sentosa. The way you annoy and worry crap out of me by playing and running around even after having your ankle sprained and badly injured. I miss that. I miss the fights we have over everything. I miss you fighting me. I miss fighting you. I miss you scolding me for wearing odd glasses, walking around too much, sitting too much, and eating too much. I miss your random jokes and you fooling around. How you never fail to make me smile despite having a bad day yourself.

You know, after everything, if we turn the clock back to the time where you asked me to be yours, I’d still say yes. You’ve made me a better and stronger person. You’ve helped me see things I couldn’t in the past. And I thank you for that. For everything you’ve done. For being here, tolerating my insecurities, my mood swings my crap.

But thank you, too, for loving me enough to let me go for the better. Change is sometimes good. And how we’ve changed as a person, how the dynamics have changed is good too, I guess. Now we know what we want in life – our goals and our future. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for the last date we had in pune. Thank you for all the memories.

I am insanely in love with you. I always have been, and I probably always will be; and it drives me crazy.

Love ,

Neilmekh

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