Yesterday was Sunday and as I ran into a friend(Sushmita), I hadn’t seen her in awhile. As we did our quick five-minute catch-up, she asked me how my ex was doing. After I did my well rehearsed polite response, “Actually we aren’t together anymore, so I am not entirely sure,” she gave me the immediate look of sadness and sympathy that I always get. I’m well used to that look, I guess that’s what happens when the woman you thought you were going to partner breaks up with you, but after giving me “the look,” she told me that she knows I’ll find someone new and I will love her just as much, if not more. Her words, meant to make me feel better about being single at heart, really got me thinking.
I hope she is wrong. I hope I never find someone I love as much as Mekh .
I don’t say that because I am a cynic, and I don’t say that because I hope we get back together. I say that simply because the love I shared with her was too much for me. It was raw, it was passionate, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional, it was everything. She was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I felt incomplete when I wasn’t around her, and when she was near it was like everything was right in the world again. She was my other bhalf, and what I considered the best part of myself. She made me crazy and emotional. It was like our entire time together was a roller coaster of missing her, loving her, hating her, and needing her.
And I pray to God I never ever feel that way again.
I hope my ex was the love of my life because I never want to feel that kind of love again. I had it for four years. It changed my life and it is something that I will cherish for the rest of forever. I found that kind of love matured and I loved every minute of being in it. Even when we were fighting and I hated her, I loved it. But I never want to feel it again. That kind of pain and hurt mixed in with such passionate love was too much for me. It was too much for my heart to handle and when she decided to leave me, I didn’t understand how the world would keep turning.
But it did keep turning, and one day the ache in my chest stopped hurting and all the broken little pieces of my heart and soul seemed to be put back together. That’s when I realized I don’t need that kind of love or that kind of life. It’s not that I don’t want to fall in love again. I can’t wait to fall in love again, but I hope and pray it is a very different kind of love.
I don’t want someone to be my other half, I want someone who makes me feel whole on my own. I don’t want to miss someone so much it hurts, I want to know that even when I am apart from her I can trust her and know that she is coming home to me.
I don’t want her to be my last thought when I go to bed at night because I want her to be beside me when I go to bed at night. I don’t want her to be the best part of me, I want her to encourage me and push me to be the best self I can be on my own. I want a partner. I want someone I can rely on 24 hours out of the day, seven days a week. I want a love that makes me smile and go to bed completely content with my life, not one that keeps me up at night.
I don’t want a woman who treats me like a prince and the most precious thing in the world, I want her to treat our daughter like that. I don’t want to be the love of her life because I want our family to be.
My ex taught me more about love and life than she will never know. After the break up my friends always told me that she would never find someone who loved her quite like I did.
They said it to make me feel better, but I hope the same is true for her too. We were matured but naive and loved being in love, but it was the wrong kind of love.
She after making love to me a 100 times could simply walk away cold blooded and I could understand only a woman could do such an act.
She she just took my soul away and made me directionless.
Alas, I hope it was a once in a lifetime kind of love for the both of us, and I hope one day we both find a better, more whole and consistent kind of love.
A relationship should not be measured in months or years. It’s the calibre of the memories that matter. Their impact, their permanence, and the degree to which they change you. I’ve had relationships lasting years I can now scarcely recollect, and hours with others that feel like infinities.
I love you Mekh .